As I write, I hear in my head the same song that’s been playing over and over all day.

“There was another in the fire, standing next to me. There was another in the water, holding back the seas.” (Another in the Fire by Hillsong United).

God put it there today. I just didn’t know all the words.

The women in my bible study at church told me today that if their child lived in Georgia, as mine does, they would find that very hard to deal with. I live in California, so she is far away, and tonight I’m missing her a lot. We spoke briefly, and since she’s not my little girl anymore, it’s up to me to respect when she’s not able to give me ‘the scoop’ on her life like I want. Still, it stings.

My need to be mom doesn’t work too well these days.

Tonight, it hit me hard. I drove up the street to sit alone and cry just a bit and think negative thoughts.

I’m so tired of needing. My cousin texted me while I sat there in emo misery, asking how I was doing. There in that dark parking lot at the local coffee shop, this is what I wrote back to her.

“I feel like s…. tonight, and I’m mad at the world! I’m tired of having anxiety, tired of being afraid, tired of worry, tired of being alone, tired of feeling sorry for myself and tired of having to make my own way financially for so many years. I”m just tired of being angry about it all. There. How’s that for a beautiful Christian witness!”

I don’t remember her reply. But I wept and cried out to God with my head on the steering wheel and my nose in a paper towel.

I give up God. I feel calm right now, but so done. I’m so tired. I’m so nothing. All my needs, all my dreams, all my wants and talents and things I think I can do, I can’t. I can’t work or handle my own schedule or finances. I don’t have any wisdom or future or rights or anything to give anyone in any way. I have nothing to say that will help anyone. So I give up to you. My way isn’t working and my thoughts aren’t making a way. My needs and anxieties and worries aren’t getting it done. So I give up to You, God. Whatever You want, wherever You put me, whatever You give or don’t give, whatever You take or let me keep, whatever You want me to do or not do, I give up. I’ll go. My way doesn’t work. I open myself to Your way. My plans are all dust and ashes. Do what pleases You, God. Like Job said, You give, and You take, and that’s Your way because Your God and blessed be Your name. I’m not God, and You are always right. Whatever happens from this moment on in life is OK. It will be You.

The next thing I heard was a tap, tap, tap on my closed car window.

It was Jake, the cop.

“What’s going on, Ma’am? Why are you here?”

“I’m just crying” I told him. “I just needed to get out of the house and get gas and cry, so here I am.”

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked me.

“Well, do you have any Kleenex?” I said. I laughed a little, and so did he.

“Really”, I said, “are you a praying man?”

“Absolutely!”, he said. “What’s going on in your life, and what’s your name?”

So I told him a little about my worries and my grown child.

Then he bowed his head and prayed, leaning on my car windowsill with his arm. He asked God, on my behalf, that God would show me the way. I don’t remember all his words, but there in that dark parking lot, Jake the cop and I prayed together. We asked God to step in and work it out.

After the ‘Amen’, I thanked him. I told him I would be praying that God bless him and keep him safe. I also asked that God honor him for his service as he should be honored. He told me to get home safely, and I left.

Jake the Cop, sent from God.

God, the one who sees, hears, knows, provides. The other one in the fire.

I don’t know where tomorrow will lead me. Maybe it will be to my doctor’s appointment as scheduled. I expect so.

But God has a right to divert that path, and take me wherever He wills. That’s where I’ll be going.

Peace rules where God reigns. As we submit to Him, His take-over is wonderful, no matter where it leads.

God, I pray You will grant me this amazing trade for the rest of my life. My will in exchange for You.

What a deal.